THESE THREE THINGS 1630


We are very tiny. I got a set of X-rays today. Nothing big, just trying to iron out a few pesky back issues. It has been a while since I had seen my body. The inside. My bones. It’s a good exercise I suppose, to see your bones. To really look at them. The strength that holds you up. To really see what is there. The facts.

I grew upon in the era of the “big girl.” Has anyone ever said this to you? In the 70’s and 80’s, maybe even the 90’s if you were a tall woman (I am, but seriously, 5’10” is not shockingly tall) people, both men and women felt the need to tell you that you were “big.” As if I was in control of my height. And to be honest that always felt like shit. Especially to someone with the prerequisite of body dysmorphia that used to come along with female adolescence. Although I’m shrugging as I write this because at nearly 45 years old, I am still entirely body dysmorphic. Psychology is hilarious sometimes. The thing is I never felt big in the way that perhaps people intended it to mean. I still don’t, most of my family is over 6 feet tall. I look like them. Like I belong. But something in the messaging of this outside “big” interrupting my groove, gave me all the feelings of not wanting to take up space, and all the trash that we feed ourselves alongside that notion. It is big in and of itself. So if I was actually big, it was all those feelings that were big. Bingo. When I got home from my appointment the first thing I mentioned to my partner was how small I looked.“ The doctor showed me the X-rays and I am so small. Like compact. My bones. I’m tiny.” It was like a revelation. An entirely new thought. I instantly felt more and less powerful all at the same time. Like I had a factual idea of my body in time and space and that it wasn’t actually big. It was this small, well designed frame that enthusiastically held me up, height and all. Each bone was designed to be as long as the next. In perfect proportion to be tall. It was working. There was no big or small. Just all of it. Designed to hold what was there. Not a life changing revelation, I know, but a good reminder of how sometimes it is really important to know the facts. See what is actually there and not just what others show up uninvited and interrupt your groove to share.

What did you learn today? Join me by using the #thesethreethings and commenting below with your own These Three Things. I want to hear what you are learning, laughing about, and living through.



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