PSYCHOLOGY AND LETTING GO
I think it's safe to say that the last 3 years have been, well, interesting. I guess that’s a pretty optimistic perspective. What about shit storm, cluster fuck, dumpster fire? That seems more fair. Time has become a really strange concept. I’m not sure if you can feel that too. There were many days that moved so slowly. I was so, so scared. More recently though, it feels like the days are moving faster and faster. It’s already October.
When I think about JOY concluding a third season, this hardly seems possible. I started this project the late spring of 2020. Mostly because, why the fuck not. Life was grim. And that darkness made me endlessly curious about lighter things. Brighter things. And how we find those moments during collective grief and trauma. Loyal listeners will know that the name JOY is NOW is not so much a nod to optimism, but an acceptance of joy being all of the things. Light and dark. Big joy.
As poet Ross Gay muses, joy is a joning of our sorrows. And I feel this deep in my bones. Sorrow is what connects us and it is through this connection that we find joy. And this podcast has been an experiment in proving such a hypothesis. Over 100 conversations. Lots of connections. Much sorrow. Much joy. And it has all been oh so much fun.
The last few months have been ripe with experimentation for me. It’s always been kind of what I do, and my work in the realm of human design over the last year has created a lot of potential to lean into my curiosity and experimental nature. Experimenting involves a good amount of trust I suppose. And I’ve been working on that too. It’s all part of the process. Through this process, I’ve noticed many things. Some of which, ooof. Is that what I really do? Which can initially feel like shit, but ultimately these moments are necessary. We need to acknowledge first before we can change. So yuck and also hooray! As I like to remind you, we are never the first and never the only. It’s been crowded in every single hole I’ve found myself in. And Thank goodness. We need each other.
Perhaps the most illuminating tendency I’ve noticed is that I hold on to things until they meet my full expectation. And then I change this expectation. Which is entirely unfair and goes against every single thing I love about my artistic process. I am a listener. I collaborate with my materials. I surrender my expectations. That’s why I love being in that space. The surrender is where I find flow. But outside of my art studio life I strangle other endeavors. Ouch. Ugh. I have a set of expectations, I continue to raise those expectations, and if the endeavor doesn’t meet them, I just keep pushing it uphill with the hopes that eventually it does. And then raise them again. Turns out this is a really effective way to wear yourself out. And also kind of ignorant. It suffocates the endeavor, assuming that it doesn’t have its own trajectory. It steals the surprise and magic. And sucks all the inertia right out. In the hopes of moving faster, I actually slow things down to a complete stop. And I hate this. It never feels good.
My intention with JOY three years ago was to create a space where I could wonder about my role in the profession of psychology. What does one do when they still actually love a profession but no longer want to really be in it? I had no idea. Was there still a space for me in psychology? Was there still a way for me to help people if I am not a therapist? If I no longer wanted to be a therapist, then, what do I have to offer? That was really the question I was trying to answer. I set out to have conversations and play around in the mental health, mentorship, coaching, consultation space. What did I really like about psychology? What did I like about being a therapist? More importantly, what did I want to leave behind?
And I am happy to say those questions have been answered. I discovered that what I love more than anything is working with people one on one. That shit is my jam. I love it, I love it, I Love it. People light me up and I imagine that this is what initially attracted me to being a psychotherapist in the first place. And deeper than this, I remembered that I really love consulting. I’ve been consulting for about 20 years, even alongside my time at Zelma Rose. I think it has always filled that one on one person excitement for me. Re-imagining consultation as business mentorship was a huge discovery. And transitioning into the role of mentor feels so right in my body. My business mentorship clients light me up. I truly love this work. And to now add to it the perspective of Human design feels like true alchemy. Sometimes I cannot believe I get to guide people in this way. I actually get to do this? I ask myself. It’s everything I hoped I would find.
And so maybe that’s enough. I think so. If I am really leaning into the art of experimentation then yeah. Joy is Now ends. Here. I want to see what it feels like to surrender, let go, and end something before I completely wrestle it to the ground. Before my mind overrides what my body already knows. Before I change the expectation. Before I force a thing to be something that it is not.
And there’s a reason I resist this letting go. New expectations mean I do not need to end. And no ending means no loss. And no loss means no grief. Whoa.
Ironically I have spent the last 20 years putting grief at the center of my work. It’s all about grief. Everything. Love is grief. Grief is love. I really do believe that grief leads us to all the lessons we are here to learn as humans. It’s why we live. And yet, I didn’t know just how fucking scared I am of it. And that’s kind of hilarious, don’t you think? Especially considering that I know so deeply that it is the connection of our sorrows that lead to joy. That is what Joy is now was built upon.
So instead of pushing up that hill, wrestling something to the ground to avoid an ending, I’m going to play here in this space and try something different. End now.
How will that feel?
I don't know? Right now it feels really new. I am walking away from something that still has a really strong pulse. But I did that once already this year with my business Zelma Rose. That was 12 incredible years. I loved every minute, but I could have moved on sooner. So I guess my experiment this time around is what if I leave earlier? What if I honor the project as having a life of its own. A trajectory. As a co-creation. What if I listen instead of wrestle?
And what if my expectation just stops at my initial intention? Finding my way, I mean that’s huge. So huge. And that’s what I set out to do in the first place. So mission accomplished. For real. It’s time to end. And allow the potential to open up to something really cool that I don’t even know about yet.
And ultimately that’s what all endings do. That is what grief allows. Loss while paralyzing, creates space. Potential for connection. It’s scary, but really I think we’ve learned that, everything can be scary. And I’m here in this humorous experiment called life to be scared and do it anyway.
Thank you so much for listening. It has been an honor to have you here. While Joy is coming to a close, I’m not done with podcasting. Moving forward, all Joy episodes will be available for my newsletter subscribers - you can sign up at the link in my bio. And I’ll be creating a new podcast for subscribers, Alchemy - think of it as a place where data driven science and the wildly creative make out. I’ll be talking more about Human design, business mentorship and answering all the questions you can send my way. I hope you will join me there. I promise a good time.
For now, let’s think of endings like we do Joy. Big and full of potential.
Thank you so much for being here.
Listen to this episode of JOY IS NOW here.
]]>Compassion is often noted in discussions of empathy and altruism, and while related, compassion is its own distinct emotional state. According to the Greater Good Science Center “While empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person, compassion is when those feelings and thoughts include the desire to help. Altruism, in turn, is the kind, selfless behavior often prompted by feelings of compassion, though one can feel compassion without acting on it, and altruism isn’t always motivated by compassion.”
While empathy can be a state that can tire us out and be painful as we feel what others are feeling, compassion arises with a much needed separation and can exist as a joyful and giving state of being.
Compassion as a human emotional state has evolutionary origins. Research shows that when we experience compassion we secrete oxytocin, our heart rate slows and regions of the brain in the supramarginal gyrus linked to empathy, pleasure and caregiving light up resulting in our desire to care for others. The real interesting nugget in the neuroscience here is that human beings are egocentric by nature but this part of the brain, the supramarginal gyrus actually recognizes when we are lacking empathy and attempts to auto correct. But when we are forced to make quick decisions, this part of the brain that helps us differentiate our own emotional state from that of other people is compromised and our capacity for empathy and compassion is greatly reduced. Wild, right? This says a lot about our collective state right now. If we are fatigued from having to make about a million decisions in the past two years I imagine this leaves us a little depleted in the compassion department. Which is sadly ironic, as compassion is exactly one of the states that will help us recover.
The encouraging news, is that just like basically every other good for you emotional state, compassion is a skill that can be strengthened through daily practice. And strengthening this compassion muscle results in better coping, resilience, and overall capacity for stress.
In fact, Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education has created an 8 week training program specifically designed to increase compassion, improve self-compassion and reduce the fear associated with cultivating self-compassion and compassion for others.
As an everyday practice though, we can tune into compassion a number of ways. Practices like meditation, gratitude, and mindfulness can help cultivate compassion. But more specifically being intentional about experiencing compassion can be especially helpful. This does not have to look like a strict practice or even something planned into our day, but is really about taking moments of pause to consider all the connections at play in our everyday activities. This can look like thinking about all the people who play a part in mailing a letter or a package when we go to the post office. From the factory workers who constructed the cardboard box, to the designer who created the tape dispenser. The workers at the local post office, the pilot flying the package across the country and the postal worker delivering our package by hand to its destination. Maybe even the dogs the postal worker gives a treat to on their delivery route. When we are intentional about taking a moment to zoom out and consider how many people and networks make even the simplest of tasks possible, we recognize just how often we all work together successfully. Which right now, is a much needed awareness.
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode of JOY IS NOW here.
]]>This week I host for a These Three Things segment discussion, San Francisco artist, art book editor and author of seven books, including The Secret Art of Being A Grown-Up and How Art Can Make You Happy and How Time is On Your Side, and Season 2 JOY Guest, BRIDGET WATSON PAYNE.
Bridget shares three life lessons that continue to inspire and drive her creativity.
Listen HERE, it's a good one!
EPISODE LINKS:
BRIDGET WATSON PAYNE
INSTAGRAM
KIWA HURSUTA
This week I host for a THESE THREE THINGS segment discussion, Oakland based clinical scientist, creative entrepreneur and complex problem solver working on co-designing innovative solutions to equity challenges within our communities, and founding member and project lead at The UXR Lab, Dr. MARJA GERMANS GARD.
Marja discusses three thoughts on self-reflection and the importance it plays in fostering systemic change. And as always, our conversation gets super scientifically juicy.
1) Self-reflection: it's not just for therapy anymore
2) It's not (all) about you
3) Self-reflection is a team sport
Dive in HERE with us!
EPISODE LINKS:
MARJA GERMANS GARD, PHD.
UXR LAB
Timothy D. Wilson, Strangers to Ourselves
Positionality Tool and Designer’s Critical Alphabet from Leslie Ann Noel, Ph.D.
Rachael Dietkus, LCSW and Social Workers Who Design
Mike Monteiro: A Designer’s Code of Ethics
Tad Hirsch: Practicing Without A License: Design Research as Psychotherapy
Self as instrument in Organization Design and Development
]]>PSYCHOLOGY AND SEEING WHAT STICKS.
This past weekend marked a real milestone for me in skateboarding. I was finally able to nail a kickturn. Even though this is a super basic move, it’s a big deal for me and resulted from spending most of the summer working on my tick tack until I could finally move my board all the way around in a circle. I’m still terrible at it, but the kickturn is a gateway move and being able to do this opens up a whole new world of skating to me. It’s exciting and also frustrating that it has taken me this long to get here. But process is process and as I’ve said before process is not precious, no matter how badly I have longed to be here.
What has surprised me though about the process, is the feedback that has helped me get here. The process and nature of this particular style of feedback belongs to the skateboarding community and it is spectacular. Precisely because it is so completely outside the box.
As you know, I’ve been researching feedback - oh and hey please take part in my study on my website - you’ll be helping to change the way we give and receive feedback in systems and organizational settings - what I have discovered is that feedback while present in almost every setting and system, looks and feels very different depending upon the nature of the system. And this difference is what drives my curiosity. My goal is to discover the places where feedback functions smoothly and fosters great results and unpack why this feedback works so well in these systems. Why here? And what exactly do these feedback unicorns, so to speak have in common?
I began my research by interviewing artists who completed a degree program from a fine arts college. I’ll say again that artists are incredible people with a very wide breadth of experience and when we have questions about anything, we should start with artists. So I did. Thus far my qualitative research has yielded some pretty thought provoking results. Most of the artists I spoke with agree that the process of becoming skilled at feedback in art school is treacherous - I always say I wouldn't wish that learning curve on my greatest enemy and my study participants agree. Being thrown to the sharks without a clear explanation of what feedback and critique are and what is to be expected feels like shit. But it also has the potential to create a group of people who are generally really great at giving and receiving incredibly useful feedback. Trial by fire provides a steep learning curve of exactly what effective feedback yields - the end result which is an improvement in the artist’s skill level and ability- we can include here finished work or product. Getting there is rough, but when you get it, you get it. And for the rest of your professional life you bring this incredible skill set and ease to every group you are a part of. And this is a huge asset for any system artists find themselves in.
Feedback style in fine art schools, despite its often unexpected nature is actually very measured. Critiques happen at agreed upon times and typically involve an instructor, group of peers and sometimes visiting experts. There are general rules, either spoken or unspoken and outside of this designated time, feedback generally does not occur. At least a frame is granted for the hot mess. And this actually helps a lot.
Feedback in skateboarding, while an equally creative pursuit to art school, occurs in an entirely different way and is equally effective, if not moreso. From what I can determine feedback in skateboarding has a spaghetti on the wall quality. Throw a ton of stuff out there and see what sticks. There is no set aside time for feedback to be given or taken in. It just kind of happens naturally. Feedback in skateboarding is in response. Cues are generally someone trying something new, asking how another skater does something, or someone looking visually frustrated and tired. Feedback occurs in response to these mutually agreed upon cues and also comes along with a big dose of encouragement.
There are many things to unpack here, but let’s start with the encouragement. In the feedback quadrant I have created,
Safe + useful
SAfe + useless
Unsafe + useful
Unsafe + useless
encouragement could be categorized as safe + useless. But encouragement in skateboarding has a very particular flavor. It is not trying to convince the recipient of something that is not true, or softened as to mislead the person into thinking they are closer to success than they thought.
The fun and often incredibly frustrating thing about skateboarding is that you are always 2 tries away from nailing it. Kind of like your keys are always the last place you look. This flavor of encouragement includes three important ingredients that consider this reality. It acknowledges how hard the person is working, the difficulty of the move or trick, and the reminder that everyone is two moves away. “You got this, keep going.”
This encouragement is paired by a wild firehose of advice, ideas, and out of the box creativity that can fall under the banner of feedback. But here’s the real interesting part, all of the ideas and feedback are birthed from personal experience and not an outside theory, set of rules or science. While this can sound similar to a fine art critique, art does in fact have many rules. Complementary colors will always make a brownisgh grey and act as a great base for a shadow. This never changes. But in skateboarding with the skateboard being the constant variable and the action being the person of which there are a million shapes and sizes, and levels of ability, despite the consistent physics of a particular trick, landing it depends upon probably a million factors that have to do with the action - or us. So the feedback that is offered begins with, “This is what I do. This is how I learned. This is how it feels for me.” Because in the end there is no telling what is really going to work. The spaghetti that sticks can come from anywhere.
The excitement within the skateboarding community for when someone improves is dramatically high. When you finally land something the whole park erupts. Fellow skaters bang their boards on the concrete . There are high fives, fist pumps, fuck yeas and hugs. The connection runs deep. When one skater wins, we all win and everyone celebrates. Skateboarders want each other to get better so we can be on the receiving end of that fire hose of insight. Learn to do it so you can tell me what it feels like. Your one step closer belongs to me too. It’s a beautiful thing to be a part of. And a camaraderie that I hope to be able to replicate and bring to other settings. Imagine if we all felt this way at work? Pretty fucking spectacular, right?!
This powerful pairing is what makes this particular kind of feedback very strongly in the safe + useful quadrant. Skateboarding is a feedback unicorn. But what really sets it in this quadrant is the ability to back off and the openness to the insight being unwelcome, which happens, but rarely. Part of the unspoken understanding of skateboarding is that regardless of age, ability, size, etc. everyone and anyone can have the idea that makes your next success possible. True inclusion. And all happening without a clear leader, known set of rules, or consistent group members. I know, from an organizational standpoint it sounds impossible. That’s why I am so intrigued. My goal is to figure it out. Right now I can say that there is something to a shared goal having an element of danger and risk. Art school critiques do becasue they can be such murder to get through. This creates a community around art students just trying to survive ti all together. In fine art crits, the risk is emotional. In skateboarding the risk is physical. Concrete hurts. Every skateboarder, no matter the skill level has gotten hurt. Nailed a trick and then lost it. And had a bad day. And a bad day could mean a serious injury. The risk binds us and creates a real atmosphere of support. Sometimes though, insight and feedback is unwanted. And this is communicated in a very straightforward way that no one takes personally. It usually sounds like this, “hey man, have you tied this?This is how I got there?” “Thanks, but I’m just in my head right now. I need some space to figure this out.” “Cool.” And that’s it. No hard feelings on either side. All parties involved move on. And do so really quickly. And when the person who refused the feedback nails the trick, everyone still celebrates them. No hard feelings. Really.
So this is magic, right? Seems like it. But I’ve been studying groups long enough to know that groups behave in predictable ways. They just do. I cannot say for sure what the magic sauce is for skateboarding, but I promise you I’m going to find out. For now, know that it feels as good as it seems. Just watch a skateboarding competition. It is beautiful in all the ways. Once again thank you skateboarding. I’m so lucky to know you.
In the newsletter this week I share the feedback that made the difference in finally nailing my kickturn. Here’s a hint, it’s all about Beyonce.
Thank you so much for being here,
Listen ot this episode of JOY IS NOW here.
]]>This week I host for a THESE THREE THINGS segment discussion, Michigan based licensed clinical psychologist to Gen Zers, and founder of the app-based psychoeducational service Therapy Bootcamp, Dr. Melanie McNally.
Melanie shares three important life lessons she has learned as a Gen Z psychologist.
Listen HERE, it's a good one!
EPISODE LINKS:
DR. MELANIE MCNALLY
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
PINTEREST
When I began to gather research on resilience for our discussion today, I ended up with more questions than answers. The biggest one being, do we try to adopt resilience in the hopes of bypassing being effected? I’m excited to muse on some answers with Sharon, but first, as always a little research.
Now there’s no denying that resilience, is a great skill to have. I like the definition of resilience from the Resilience Research Center. “In the context of exposure to significant adversity, resilience is both the capacity of individuals to navigate their way to the psychological, social, cultural, and physical resources that sustain their well-being, and their capacity individually and collectively to negotiate for these resources to be provided in culturally meaningful ways.”
They add, “This definition shifts our understanding of resilience from an individual concept, popular with western-trained researchers and human services providers, to a more relational understanding of well-being embedded in a social-ecological framework. Understood this way, resilience requires individuals have the capacity to find resources that bolster well-being, while also emphasizing that it’s up to families, communities and governments to provide these resources in ways individuals value. In this sense, resilience is the result of both successful navigation to resources and negotiation for resources to be provided in meaningful ways.”
Research shows that resilience is not a fixed character attribute, but a skill that can be worked on and improved. Also true is that some people are more resilient than others - we’ve seen this very clearly in children - more on that in a minute, but generally research knows less about this difference. But since resilience is defined as how we adapt to stress and adversity, I think it is within reason to assume that people who have greater access to resiliency can tolerate a greater amount of stress and this tolerance relies on our fight or flight response. This question was recently addressed in a study by Dr. Marcus Grueschow et al from the University of Zurich. Dr. Grueschow and colleagues studied the stress response of a group of medical students before and after completing Emergency Room internships. Prior to beginning their ER internships participants were given a task that required them to process conflicting information. Conflict tasks activate the locus sue-rule-e-us -norepinephrine (LC-NE) system, a region of the brain associated with regulating our response to stress and resolving conflict. Interesting to note that the intensity of LC-NE activation -- often referred to as the "firing rate" -- varies from person to person.
Results showed that participants with a higher LC-NE responsivity showed more symptoms of anxiety and depression following their emergency room internships.
The results of this study have enabled scientists to isolate an objective neurobiological measure that can predict a person's stress response to be used as an indicator for resiliency. "Having an objective measure of a person's ability to cope with stress can be very helpful, for example when it comes to choosing a profession. Or it could be applied in stress resilience training with neuro-feedback," Marcus Grueschow explains.
When it comes to kids and resiliency, we know more about the why. Studies dating back to 2015 acknowledge that children exposed to the same trauma and stressful situations display varying levels of resiliency.
Here are some of the findings:
Resilience is born from the interplay between internal disposition and external experience. It derives from supportive relationships, adaptive capacities, and positive experiences.
To touch on that last piece, what is hard to find stated anywhere is that in certain situations, resiliency is weird and not the expected or reasonable response. And this has me asking a lot of questions about dissociation and repression, etc. Where are the longitudinal studies of people who exhibit high resiliency immediately following a tragic life event? Do they continue to be resilient? Are we seeing resiliency in absence of trauma, which is not actual resiliency, but could be delusion? Do people exhibiting strong resiliency immediately following a tragic event experience a trauma response later as often can happen with PTSD? Like I said I have so many questions. In circumstances of extreme tragedy, think war, mass shooting, or terrorist attack, a trauma response is the norm. That’s not to say that one cannot also be resilient. I imagine many of us are in awe of the resiliency of the Ukrainian people, while also acknowledging that it is impossible to be unaffected by war. They are both resilient and traumatized.
But when something like resiliency is given a top 5 ways to improve click bait, do we really understand what it actually is? This is my big question and my big beef as to how we approach skill building in response to grief, trauma, anxiety and anger. Have Americans dug deep into the activities of resilience building because we think it will prevent us from being so effected? I think the answer to this question is probably yes. When in reality resiliency helps, but the most incredibly resilient person in the world can still not bypass a deeply traumatic. Resilience is not a solution, but a tool. And I think this is a critical distinction. And by all means, yes, do the things to improve your resilience. The Greater Good Science Center suggests shifting your narrative of the experience through expressive writing, facing your fears, practicing self-compassion, meditating, and cultivating forgiveness. Um okay. Sure.
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode here.
]]>Psychology and evolution
What I am about to share is part of my process over the past 2 plus years of professional development and transformation. We often don’t share the process. The messy parts. The uncertainty. What things look and feel like along the way. How much of it is bumpy. How we do not control the time and space it takes. How we are not on the timeline of our own making. But also, how magical and whole it can feel when pieces of the process come together.
And truth be told, the protected privacy and preciousness we assign to the process is bullshit. There is nothing special about being in process. Everything is a process. And none of us start where we would like to. An expert is not made overnight, and often yet, there are things we will never master in life. There will always be things no matter how deeply studied where we will remain amateurs. Thank goodness.
But this pretense of starting at expert holds us back. And most significantly it really impacts kids. The private nature of our processes as adults is one of the many reasons, along with development of course, that adolescents believe that they are to enter into new things already an expert. They see us as masters, even when we know that life continues to be messy and we remain amateurs at many things forever. Many of us hold onto this falsehood of beginning expert as adults and as far as I can see, all it helps is us getting in our own way.
I’m not suggesting that we all leak our process for every single endeavor all over the place for everyone to see and experience. That’s weird as shit too. And sharing the process is not for everyone. And that's okay. But maybe collectively we can attempt to make the act of process a little less precious.
Do not get me wrong, I LOVE process. It feels like flow to me and I really enjoy being there, but that is different than making the act of process exclusively precious. Being a beginner is normal. It’s healthy. As is feeling stuck, moving more slowly than we would like, and having moments where it all comes together. Even those moments where it all comes together only to fall apart.
We all think we are the first or the only. It is when we bravely shine a light on the depth of the hole we find ourselves in that we notice quite quickly, it’s crowded down there.
So what follows is part of my process. Shared in the practice of making the process of growth, change, experimentation and discovery a little less precious.
A few weeks ago I had a dreadful conversation with my business coach. It was one of those conversations that was all struggle. And we both knew it. We were bones deep in the process of unearthing what I have to offer as a coach. Why do clients want to work with me? Why, ME?
My coach and I went back and forth for an hour. Pouring over my experience as a psychotherapist, artist, entrepreneur, yoga instructor, skateboarder, author, all the things. Even my first job folding sweaters at the GAP. Possible answers manifested in lists, coherent and incoherent sentences, text messages, notes on my phone and lots of chaos. Mostly though, the process was a giant struggle. Nothing felt right. And we both knew it.
I’ll admit that the entire process around unearthing this answer has been clear in one single way. Completely frustrating. Forced and desperate. Not only in my mind but in my body. This seeking has made me tired in all the ways and even a little disgusted, like I’ve got a bad taste in my mouth. Yuck.
To be honest, every time I would think of myself as a coach, I came up empty. Worse than empty. Like I’m trying to force myself into something that doesn't fit.
And this was a feeling I recognized. No matter the pursuit, I have always felt that I never fully belonged in one single thing. Like I had one foot in some other far away door. Like I was trying to bridge an insurmountable pass between two points.The data driven scientist and the wildly creative fine artist. I’m here, but I’m also here. And that feeling often made me feel like I was never fully grounded in one or the other. I wished to be fully in one thing. I tried it on again and again. Admired those who seemed to be so enveloped and belonging in a single place it just radiated out from their body. I belong here. I wanted that too.
All this musing left me with the question,
Maybe thinking of myself as a coach is such a struggle because maybe I’m not a coach?
Ooof.
I thought on this for a while. Tucked it into the background. Let it dangle.
And it sat there. For a few weeks.
I was busy working away on something else when seemingly out of the blue, the word alchemist entered into my ether. So I looked it up.
ALCHEMIST: Someone who transforms things for the better. One who creates through a seemingly magical process. One who combines various single entities and transforms them in unexpected and impressive ways.
And that felt right.
The combination of seemingly unrelated entities is what I’ve always needed to do. The bridging of art and science is where I thrive and I view absolutely everything through the lens of this alchemy. Data is creative. Art is scientific. The mystical has a clinical application. And this alchemic perspective when grounded in the wilderness of my experiences has the clarity, precision, and impact of a lightning strike. It is some powerful shit. And the root of what I have to offer.
I circled back with my coach. Shared the idea. We paced through the usual progression of how to think of alchemy and being an alchemist as a foundation from which I can begin to speak about what I do. An internal roadmap. A testing ground for my offerings. A silent thread I could stitch through my being. It all felt very quiet and measured, appropriately appealing, and very safe.
And part of me kind of hated that.
Then she asked, “What happens if you go all in and call yourself an alchemist? If you are not a coach, don’t be one. Be an alchemist.”
And that felt right.
But also really fucking scary. What happens if I embody that bridge? The place in between? If I honor the agility of crossing between the realms of the data driven and the wilds of creativity? What if instead of trying to jump from one to another, I embody the space between?
And then I remembered the idea of a third. The alchemy of a space in between is THE idea that has consistently drawn me to psychoanalytic theory. Bay Area psychoanalyst Tom Ogden developed the theory of treatment known as the intersubjective analytic third. In essence, this third is the alchemy resulting from the combination of the analyst's perspective and experience and the patient’s. It neither belongs solely to the analyst or the patient and exists as a third entity in the treatment room. The analyst's job is to access this third, speak to it and share it with the patient in ways that can be integrated toward insight and change. The depth of insight isn’t achieved by one entity or the other, but a separate third combining them both. A bridge. An in between. A place requiring agility and precise perspective to access and share. And this has always excited me.
Perhaps being an alchemist is being the bridge myself.
This bridge, location of joining, facilitation, this point of alchemy brought to mind a favorite part of a piece written by poet Ross Gay. He muses on a conversation he had with one of his students about her aspirations as a teacher.
In The Book of Delights, he writes,
“Among the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard anyone say came from my student Bethany, talking about her pedagogical aspirations or ethos, how she wanted to be as a teacher, and what she wanted her classrooms to be:” what if we joined our wildernesses together?” Sit with that for a minute. That the body, the life, might carry a wilderness, an unexplored territory, and that yours and mine might somewhere, somehow meet. Might, even join.”
A bridge to wildernesses. I cannot think of a better role than that.
Calling all creatives, your alchemist awaits.
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode here.
]]>Before we dive in about critique and all things feedback, I want to provide a few definitions for you all so we are all on the same page.
So what is feedback and what is critique? Are they the same thing? No, not really and I actually prefer critique better, but critique doesn't jam in the workplace. So enter feedback.
Feedback -
The transmission of evaluative or corrective information about an action, event, or process to the original or controlling source.
Information about reactions to a product, a person's performance of a task, etc. which is used as a basis for improvement.
Critique -
A careful judgment in which someone gives an opinion about something.
A descriptive and balanced detailed analysis and assessment of something, especially a literary, philosophical, or political theory.
As part of my research study on feedback and critique, I have developed a feedback quadrant.
For reference, the definitions are as follows:
Safe -
Free from harm or risk. Unhurt. Secure from threat of danger, harm, or loss.
Unsafe -
Dangerous. Able or likely to cause harm or damage.
Useful -
Able to be used for a practical purpose or in several ways. Of a valuable or productive kind
Useless -
Not fulfilling or not expected to achieve the intended purpose or desired outcome.
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode here.
]]>This week I host for a THESE THREE THINGS segment discussion, emeritus professor at University of Minnesota, world-renowned developer of the theory of ambiguous loss, pioneer in the interdisciplinary study of family stress management, and author of 8 books including the brilliant and incredibly relevant new release, The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change, DR. PAULINE BOSS.
We discuss her newest book, The Myth of Closure, and Dr. Boss shares her three most valuable life lessons. There is so much goodness in this episode. Get comfortable, sit back and enjoy getting to know one of the great scientific minds of our time, Dr. Pauline Boss.
Listen HERE, it's a good one!
]]>This week I host for a THESE THREE THINGS SEGMENT discussion, teacher, writer, and researcher ABBE GREENBERG along with social worker and special education advocate MAGGIE SARACHEK otherwise known as the ANXIETY SISTERS and co-authors of the book The Anxiety Sisters Survival Guide How you can become more hopeful, connected and happy!
ABBE and MAGGIE share their most valuable life lessons about living with anxiety including prepping for panic, not going it alone, and sweet surrender.
Mags
Abs:
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PSYCHOLOGY AND THE PROCESS
By choice, my life essentially has been about process. When I am not involved in the act of process through art or psychology, I seek it out in my relationships, hobbies, and however, I can. I like to know that all of my interests, relationships included allow for the potential of change and growth. This feels good to me and I am excited by things that never seem to have a finality or a determined achievement. Whether it is the creative process, the therapeutic process, or the process of skateboarding, I like things that do not easily allow for mastery. After spending years of gravitating toward these interests, I can predict that if something has a steep learning curve for me, it means that it is about to take up a large part of my life and be a source of great delight. The beginning is always hard. But knowing that ultimately I’d rather be deep in the process of something rather than seeking mastery helps get me through the parts of the process that can feel hopeless. Because hopelessness is inherently part of the process. And I guess I kind of like that.
I’ve wondered a great deal about finding delight in process. I’ve thought about what I might enjoy in that space and think very deeply with my clients about their own processes and what lies there for them. While there is a wealth of conversation about process not being linear - this pertains quite clearly to wellness and healing which usually involves forward momentum met with standing still or feeling stuck, plateaus and even progress that seems to be moving farther away from the ultimate goal. But all these movements are still part of the process and because of that, pretty predictable. When my clients feel frustrated or arrive at a place where they feel stuck, I assure them that feeling stuck and impatient and wishing things were moving forward or in a different way is still a part of the process. These frustrations do not mean we have taken a wrong turn or are not working hard enough. It simply means we are in the process.
There is a saying among clinicians that work with people in acute crisis about how the nature of acute crisis is predictably unpredictable. Meaning however powerful and alarming a mental health crisis can be, there is still a set of predictable behaviors associated with crises, even episodes of full blown psychosis. The longer you work with populations who exhibit what seems to be unpredictable behavior, the more you are able to determine that there is actually a good deal of predictability. I pull from the notion of predictably unpredictable when feeling stuck in the process myself and helping clients navigate these often disorienting parts of the journey. What feels like an unexpected or impossible to overcome part of the process, simply means that you are in the process. And being in the process inherently means that you are already further along than you were before you entered the process. If we know it is going to be predictably unpredictable, we actually know a lot. The most important part? Just start.
I was musing on all of this late last week when I serendipitously came across a quote from world-renowned cellist Yo-Yo Ma that seemed to somehow fit.
He says, “I’ve been playing the cello for over 60 years so I should be getting it right by now. However, is that what I’m trying to do? Am I trying to get it right or am I trying to find something?”
So outside of the fact that this sentiment instantly created major mind melt for me - to the point of where I had to take a moment. Like when you eat something that tastes really good you need to sit down. I was totally there.
Let’s break down this concept. What is the difference between trying to get it right and trying to find something? Pretty big I think. And a good reminder for those of us who are by nature lit up by seeking. I can say with certainty that I am more interested in finding something than getting it right. I think that’s where my love of process comes from. And when I think about what connects my clients, as different as they may be, they are seekers too. Somehow we find each other. And perhaps being a seeker is being a creative. The endless looping of creating something from nothing only to do it all over again. And then again. Turning finality into an ongoing process. Always being curious.
And this feels different from an achievement - I create these distinctions without judgment. Both to seek and achieve are good. Both to seek and achieve are bad. Perhaps they are different flavors of the same process. And perhaps we try on both when in different parts of the process. I’m not sure. I’m playing in the space here. And we could probably all benefit from playing in both sandboxes every now and then. And many of us do. Both can be true and isn't that great?
What I think is of critical importance here and what is illuminated by Yo-Yo Ma’s words so well, is in asking the question. “Am I trying to get it right or am I trying to find something?” Is a really important question to start asking ourselves. There will be times when getting it right and achievement are of the utmost importance to our goals and values and there will also be times when the patience and unknown qualities of seeking are where we need to be. Are we taking a job because we are trying to get it right, or are we trying to find something? Are we in a relationship because we are trying to get it right or are we trying to find something?
Along with the curiosity inherent in this question, there is also an introspective quality. To digest the notion of trying to find something, means we need to know a little bit about ourselves. What could we be trying to find? Are we on a quest to fill a void? Does seeking provide joy or does it distract from an internal fear? Does it do both? Does seeking prevent us from the commitment of getting it right? And does getting it right prevent us from looking within to aknowledge our own desires? All good questions and ones that we should ask ourselves. Also ones that are impossible to ask without the practice of introspection. And it is a practice. Getting to know ourselves and being curious about our emotions and behaviors is a practice. It is a skill we work on every single day. And one that often can be hard to figure out on our own. Big picture, this is what quote unquote doing the work trachea us. Not only does it help us process through our past present and future, but along the way we learn how to be in the process ourselves. How to be curious, slow down and ask a lot of questions. If you seek clarity, start with curiosity.
I’ll leave you with one more Yo - Yo Ma quote to think on for a while.
He says,
“At one point, I had the audacity to think I could play a perfect concert. I came to the concert and I started playing. I was in the middle of the concert, and I realized everything was going perfectly well. And I was bored out of my mind. I still remember it, during the concert, saying, you know, I could actually just stop, and walk off the stage, and not feel a thing, because I had separated the act of doing something from the act of being present.
That was the moment that I made a fateful decision that I was actually going to devote my life to human expression versus human perfection.”
Damn. Sit with that one for a minute. Let me know what you think.
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode here.
]]>This week I host for a THESE THREE THINGS segment discussion, musician, punk enthusiast, dad, and Chief Operating Officer at P.F Candle Co, THOMAS NEUBERGER.
THOMAS shares his most memorable life lessons on failure, letting go and uncertainty.
3.You don’t need to know the answer.
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SAY YES TO NO
Anger actually looks a lot like fear in the brain. Dr. Jason Cowell, cognitive neuroscientist at University of Wisconsin Green Bay reports that in the brain, anger actually looks a lot like fear. In his research Dr. Cowell asks, Is anger a unique emotion? And the answer is no, not really. Not only does anger not occur in a vacuum, but Physiologically it looks a lot like fear. Both anger and fear result in an almost immediate reaction to a threat - fight or flight. This primitive survival response to a threat WILL STILL OCCUR EVEN if you remove the forebrain - which is everything up top - think gray matter. Meaning, anger causes an automatic reaction in the body. It sparks a physiological arousal - sweat, raised heart rate, red face, blood constricting in certain areas, digestion slowing down. etc., all of this happens in the tiniest fraction of a second imaginable. What is so fascinating is that we don’t know the cause of this physiological reaction in neurological terms. The response to anger is a circuit. A threat causes the spark and the response goes through the circuit. The choices are run or to fight. Mostly we respond with fight. That's anger. Fear is run. And why the body sees them as being so similar. Our response to a threat is anger and fear. This response begins in the brainstem and subcortical areas and hypothalamus. Then to midbrain. it's a circuit that the body runs through. Unique to humans are other sets of anger responsive pathways that go into the cortex and amygdala.
In terms of theory, I want to share Dr. Ryan Martin’s finding that Anger is a response to injustice. It has become a widely accepted idea that anger not only alerts us to injustice, but the neurological pathway and circuit that anger follows as part of fight or flight, actually prepares us with the energy to fight these injustices. All of this along with the expression of anger being a combination between anger itself and whatever the other emotions are being felt at the time. So anger and guilt, anger and impatience, anger and frustration, anger and grief, etc.
Anyone else notice that anger seems to be pretty popular these days? Wonder why? Well, here we are thanks to COVID, war, racism, misogyny, inequity, injustice, climate crisis, mental health emergency, and poverty except hey, COVID is the only one not man made, huh.
People are raging. And If we look to Dr. Ryan Martin, it is easy to see why. We all seem to be railing against injustice. And remember, none of us ever write ourselves as the villain of our own story. So the asshole screaming at people in Target for wearing a mask feels he is the hero fighting injustice just as much as the woman protesting for equal access to healthcare in front of Bret Kavenaugh’s house. Ooof. So how did this happen? How did we all get so angry? Well, like I mentioned there is a lot going on. Most of which we caused. Ourselves. Yet in all of this, covid or our own doing, exists loss. Massive, incomprehensible loss. And grief, especially compounded and collective grief when unexpressed is well, crazy making. Anger is the second stage of grief and with good reason. As Dr. Martin points out, anger lets us know that something is not quite right. And whether we are responsible for the loss or not, the grief people are feeling right now is monumental. Whether it is loss of life, comfort, convenience or the way things were pre-pandemic, loss is all around us right now. And we are bad at grief. Like really bad. And Americans in my opinion are number one at being terrible at grief. But hey, we seem pretty great at anger, right? And there’s the connection. Grief is hard. Unpredictable and not convenient at all. Ever. We do not get to decide when grief begins and ends. When it comes on and when it subsides. We cannot schedule it or drink and smoke our way out of it. We do not get to decide. Anger can be unpredictable too, but anger seems to have a greater purpose. To help us fight injustice, to help us get our way, to assist in being the hero of our own journey. Grief, not so much. Grief is less active. Requires time and space. And rest. And actually valuing how people take care of themselves and each other. But who in this country has time for that?
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode here.
]]>In terms of neuroscience, guilt involves neural networks in the frontal and temporal parts of the brain. Scientists have found that in a state of guilt there is activity in the amygdala - essential to our ability to feel emotions and perceive emotions in others and frontal lobes but not a tremendous amount of activity in both brain hemispheres. Researchers concluded that this lack of hemispheric involvement points to guilt being purely linked to a person’s learned social standard and not incredibly complex in terms of brain function - which is quite a detour from other emotional states. The neural nature of guilt seems to weigh heavily on morality.
It can be said that guilt is functionally designed to protect us against doing harm to those that mean the most to us. Our family, friends, and loved ones. Guilt serves the evolutionary purpose of keeping those close to us safe. At its most primitive, guilt is an emotion of survival.
When it comes to morality and a pressure to adhere to social standards, Freud would say that this is the superego at play. What I appreciate about Freud’s perspective in terms of morality is that he reminds us that the superego is not all good. Freud warns that we fall ill of our own moral ideals and we should question those moral ideals with the same weight that we question our drives. Meaning that guilt can result from actually making good choices for ourselves and taking action to change. Sometimes this change causes hurt or discomfort to others and sometimes this hurt or discomfort is the result of a very specific social standard. We see this in MOM GUILT, perpetuated by the patriarchy as a made up ideal as to what a mother looks like, provides, says and does. Any choice outside of this, while perhaps even healthy for the mother and child can perpetuate feelings of guilt.
This duality is similar to how anger can inform us of injustice and provide us energy to resist and persist, guilt can also provide us with a kind of motivation for action and change. The key to accessing this duality of guilt is to proceed with curiosity.
Thank you foe being here.
Listen to this episode here.
]]>PSYCHOLOGY AND CHANGE
Ever wonder what happened to the teacher who said you were a failure at what you now do for a living?
What about the boss who noticed a really challenging task came easily for you?
For me, feedback has always been a mixed bag between the useful uplifting variety and the gut wrenching give up worthy. At some point odds on whether or not I would succeed broke even. I guess leaving me with a neutral chance of success? Which sounds pretty hilarious.
In terms of feedback, art school prepared me for adult life in ways I never could have imagined. And it did so kind of in a sneaky way. I was too overwhelmed by the experience at the time but even now all these years later I continue to learn from the white knuckle thrown into the shark tank approach that art school provides. When it comes to hurtful and discouraging feedback, chances are I’ve heard just about everything one could direct at me and my work, which while hard to get through in the moment, really helped me be fearless later in life when starting new projects or trying new things. I honestly do not take into account what people will think. For better or worse, I just go for it. It can be reckless, but it is also 100% freedom. After a while you start to dissect the usefulness from the daggers and accept that there will always be critics of what you feel most passionate about whether it is a profession, relationship, or a hobby.
The feedback process has changed a lot since I was in art school. Students are different and college is different. There is a very strong pay to play model and instructors are required by many universities to keep paying customers happy. While I have heard that the infamous art school critiques have become a gentler experience - thank god - I’ve also heard from instructors that the modern monetization of the student body prevents a true learning experience and prevents sound preparation for the professional world. A simultaneous loss and gain. Perhaps another hilarious neutrality. But in this case one that students are paying for in all the ways.
As I began to think more deeply about feedback, I noticed it everywhere. Feedback in the workplace, at school, on social media - otherwise known as comments - which would be feedback, which is really critique. Really with all the words. As far as I can tell when we think about feedback as part of a system, the feedback process really reigns supreme. How feedback goes down in a system impacts retention, psychological safety, ingenuity, an open sharing of ideas, risk taking, and just about everything. Whatever is going on in a system, In my opinion, the nature of the feedback process is at the core of its’ wellbeing.
Which makes feedback pretty powerful, but also super weird, right?! Because sometimes we have trouble separating our own emotional trash from situations and project our garbage onto someone else's work. And that’s not fair, but it happens. A lot. And this makes feedback thorny. And powerful. And a weird and wonderful monster.
So of course I just had to dive right in and study it. Because that’s what I do. And what I really learned how to do in art school. Turns out I’m a great diver. Over the next months I'm conducting research about feedback and critique and how both good and bad feedback move us to make big life decisions.
And here’s the cool part, I'd love your help!
The first part of my study is a qualitative survey collecting stories of memorable feedback to help inform how we can become better at both giving and receiving useful feedback. I want to hear about the feedback that unlocked your greatest potential and the feedback that shook you to your core and made you doubt everything you thought you knew about yourself. What you did with the feedback and how it impacted your life moving forward. Let’s learn from each other so we can break down the weird and the wonderful of feedback and foster some serious change.
Here’s where you come in! I’ve created the World Feedback Survey. This short survey takes just 3 minutes and your responses are anonymous. You can participate at lisaandersonshaffer.com or click the World Feedback Survey button on any page of my website. I’ve linked the survey in episode notes for easy access. And hey, I’d love it if you shared the link with friends! The more the merrier. I cannot wait to hear your stories. To learn more about the progress of my research, sign up for my newsletter - also linked in episode notes for updates.
Thank you so much for being here.
Listen to this episode here.
]]>This week I host for a THESE THREE THINGS segment discussion, Co-Founder and Head of School at Millennium School in San Francisco, founder of Argonaut an online program to bring social-emotional learning to students virtually, recipient of the Ashoka Fellowship as a leading change maker in education, and author of Finding the Magic in Middle School, soon to be published in August 2022, CHRIS BALME.
Chris shares his most valuable life lessons about surprise, the importance of groups, and kindness.
David Whyte said so well in his line, "What you can plan is too small for you to live."
..and many of our struggles in our society come from isolation.
Could tell the story of some breakthrough experiences I've had in groups, as both participant and facilitator.
I think I lived like this before I understood why, and now see it as a defining trait. Deep empathy for others...and curiosity about what battle they're fighting. Knowing that gives us a chance to play transformative roles in others' lives.
Listen in HERE, it's a good one.
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This week I host for a THESE THREE THINGS segment discussion, Bay Area co-founder and COO of Be Courageous, founder of Chaos to Calm and mom and ambassador of sanity, wellbeing and calm JENNA HERMANS.
Jenna shares her most valuable life lessons as a step-mom including building your own path, the importance of how you show up, and learning to listen.
Listen HERE, it's a good one.
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PSYCHOLOGY AND DOING THE WORK
New Yorkers love shortcuts. It’s a pride thing. If you grow up on Long Island and can identify every single service road shortcut along the northern state + southern state parkways and the LIE, that’s about as much respect as you can get. And yeah in tri state traffic, shortcuts are a necessity. Although of course it can be argued that the destination is the destination.
Sometimes the shortcut is about not staying still more than it is about getting to a destination sooner.
And this desire to not stay still is what I want to address today.
May has been mental health awareness month. And that’s totally great. And also no. Mental health is an everyday practice. Just like being anti-racist and ending misogyny are everyday practices. Thanks for a month of spotlighting, but yeah, meaningful change happens slowly over time and requires everyday commitment.
In fact, change requires more stillness and slowness than it does speed.
Throughout the month I’ve read a variety of social media posts in response to mental health awareness month with hacks or top five suggestions to improve mental health. And yeah these are great.
As I’ve said before, let's never stop talking about mental health. I love all the talk, hacks, suggestions. But the truth is, there is only one true hack to mental health. And it isn't quick and it isn't easy.
The hack is therapy. That’s the hack. That’s it. Go to therapy. The end.
If you are a psych enthusiast and a weekly listener to JOY then this answer probably won’t surprise you, but the reasoning might.
And yes, there are all the therapeutic benefits to therapy. Getting to know yourself, understanding your behavior, triggers, traumas, relationships and emotional states. We love that!
But what I want to discuss today is more of the foundation that therapy provides for everything else.
Have you ever eaten a really gross apple? Peanut butter definitely helps, right? But it doesn’t change the fact that the apple is yuck. A mealy apple with peanut butter is better, but still kind of stinks even with all the bells and whistles.
And we are no different.
A solid foundation makes everything else we do stronger. Last longer and have a bigger more meaningful impact.
Let’s take a look at this idea from two different perspectives.
The first is coaching. You might not know this, but I am a coach who only takes clients who have done introspective work. Yeah. And I use this term introspective work as a pretty big umbrella. But if you want to work with me, you need to have done some work at getting to know yourself. This can be therapy, work with a shaman, clairvoyant, energy worker, counsel from a leader in your faith, many things. But if you want to work with me you need to have made a deep commitment to yourself first. Because that is really the only life hack. I made this rule because I know that the result of my work with clients is much more useful and long lasting if you have done the internal work.
And there are many people who choose coaching over therapy because, and I am aware that the rumor is that coaching is therapy light. And yeah, it totally is, but I also think coaching should not be in place of therapy. Nothing should be. Coaching, yoga, movement, meditation, mindfulness, none of it. Because none of these things actually replace therapy. Do they help? Hells yeah! You are talking to someone who does all the things. But a replacement, absolutely not. And you can spend years moving through these actions and not actually get anywhere. Expect of course to avoid your fear of not slowing down and doing the hard work. Coaching without meaningful internal work will get you far but then stop working. Because coaching is helpful but it is not integral. Same as all the others.
To make the most of any endeavor, go to therapy. Answer the big questions. Get to know yourself. That’s your shortcut. Slowing down and doing the hard work makes everything else more effective.
And that goes for work too. I spend quite a bit of time on Linkedin and I am often disheartened by the professional jockeying I witness proposing that one coaching or organizational strategy or mindful solution is best to solve all the organizational problems. From diversity to psychological safety to employee retention and leadership and executive coaching. So many smart strategies. But the truth is if you want to be an effective leader, manager, teacher, here's’ the hack. Go to therapy. Encourage a culture where doing the internal work is encouraged and the expectation. Then when thoughtful strategies are implemented to help solve organizational challenges, they will actually have a long lasting impact.
And going to therapy is not simple. As I wrote in my newsletter last week there are significant barriers to entering into therapy. But resistance isn’t one of them.
So if you are looking for a true mental health hack. The hard truth is, there is only one. Go to therapy. It takes time, is slow, but makes all the other things better.
Kind of like peanut butter.
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode here.
]]>When we are in danger, we initiate the fight or flight reaction pathway. This pathway, beginning in the brain and quickly moving to the body when we experience fear supplies us with the energy and skills to fight for our lives or get the hell out of dodge. The amygdala, the temporal lobe region of the brain most connected to fear, sets forth a set of reactions in response to the emotional salience of our surrounding stimuli, or what stands out to us about our immediate surroundings. The hippocampus and prefrontal cortex interpret the perceived threat as real or not. If we perceive the stimuli as threatening, the amygdala triggers a release of cortisol and other stress hormones and alerts the sympathetic nervous system. This trigger sets off preparations in the body that make us more efficient in the face of danger. Our heart rate rises, pupils dilate, breathing accelerates and non-essential functioning, like digestion, slows. As animals this response is designed to only last a short period of time and we are meant to return to a state of more normal regulation. This is where our parasympathetic nervous system takes over returning our body and mind to homeostasis. But as super intelligent animals, we have learned to assess many things as a threat and this can trigger our fight or flight reaction in response to stress even when we are not in mortal danger. When the parasympathetic nervous system cannot return us to homeostasis, the body stays in a low level state of fight or flight, depleting our cortisol reserves and overtime causing a cascade of physical symptoms.
So yeah, calm is important and most of us no longer exist in bodies that can return to homeostasis without a little help. Luckily calm is a state that with work is 100% achievable. And time spent pursuing calm actually helps us be more creative, gain more clarity, and work more effectively. So if you are in a leadership position, time spent in calm, rest, and receivership, for you and your team is time well spent. Studies show that calm helps us focus on what we need to get done and enables us to get it done more quickly. In a study where participants went on an immersive nature retreat, they returned later with 50% increased creativity. There’s no shortage of exercises to help support a state of calm. I’ve placed some of my favorites in the episode notes, but guess what? Jenna is here to help too!
When it comes to the hard science of humility, I was surprised to find that neuroscience is still working toward locating humility in the brain. Currently, neuroscientists are looking at determining a pathway for humility via review of EEG’s by measuring brain activity when study participants make task related errors as a way to eventually access what parts of the brain are active when humility is present.
For now, there exist a number of research studies regarding characteristics associated with humility. Dr. Marc Leary of Duke University’s Department of Psychology and Neuroscience has found that humility relies on what he classifies as hypo-egoic phenomena.
He says, “ More recently, I became interested in ‘hypo-egoic’ phenomena in which people devote less attention to themselves than they typically do, and humility falls in that category (along with other hypo-egoic phenomena such as flow, mindfulness, awe, and mystical experiences).”
To further explore hypo-egoic phenomena Leary conducted two studies where over 400 participants were asked to describe personal accomplishments they were proud of and then how their accomplishments and characteristics rated against those of other people. Additionally participants rated how others should treat them based on these characteristics and accomplishments. Participants then completed measures of humility, self-esteem, narcissism, psychological entitlement, self-interest, identification with humanity, individualism/collectivism, and social desirability.
Leary’s findings suggest that while humble people are able to recognize their accomplishments and talents, there exists a prominent character difference between humble people and braggarts.
Leary explains,
“The central feature that characterizes humble people, in my view, is ‘hypo-egoic nonentitlement’ — they do not think that they are entitled to be treated special as a person because of their accomplishments or positive characteristics.”
“Humble people recognize that, their special accomplishments or attributes not withstanding, they are just like everybody else, with a host of shortcomings, weaknesses, hang-ups, and failures. So, they don’t expect extra attention, interest, favors, or special treatment from other people.”
Interesting, right?
What I find so fascinating about humility is that it touches upon so many other desirable traits. From growth mindset, to intellectual humility, to collaboration and ingenuity. The next phase of exploration in humility is of course to discover if humility can be taught. And if so , how. Leary and his co-authors believe that it can. In fact the Intellectual Virtues Academy, a public charter school in Long Beach California is trying to do just that. With a mission based in fostering meaningful growth in intellectual character virtues such as sense of purpose, curiosity, self-awareness, respect, and growth mindset in a thoughtful, challenging, and supportive academic environment, IVA is putting the theory of teaching humility to the test.
Leary says, “Not being afraid of being wrong- that’s a value, and I think it is a value we could promote. I think if everyone was a bit more intellectually humble, we’d all get along better, we’d be less frustrated with each other.”
And I say sign me up for that.
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode here.
]]>PSYCHOLOGY AND DOING THE WORK
I fell into a daydream earlier this week and started thinking about a psychiatric nurse I used to work with named Alan. He was a tall bear of a man with a gentle voice and the kind of dry sense of humor that teenagers just really get. We worked together on a locked psychiatric adolescent hospital unit and were among a small number of practitioners on the unit who enjoyed working at night.
There was a sweet surrender to evenings on the unit. A quiet that was greatly anticipated at the end of a long day of unknowns. I facilitated a reading group three nights a week with a fellow therapist. By the way, all group work should have two facilitators - it works much better than one for many reasons and I imagine the same goes for groups at the workplace as well, but no one talks about that. And that’s a dive I’ll take in the newsletter this week. It deserves some dedicated thought.
Each night before lights out, we read a book aloud to a small group of patients well armed with the hard edges of teenage life. They would simultaneously throw snarkiness while snuggling into the softness of bean bag chairs and fleece covered pillows. It was gentle and sweet with a thread of incomprehensible grief. The nights were generally quiet and still after the reading group and offered up opportunities for the kids to ask the adults some really hard questions. And they did. And Alan was brilliant at answering them.
I remembered back to a patient we had on the unit for an unusually long stretch of time. He was with us for over a month, which even many years ago was unheard of. Medical insurance never allows for this, which is criminal. Most patients receive a few days at best, which is not enough time to baseline, or reach a homeostasis where a sound treatment plan can be created and medication can be reevaluated or switched if necessary. It is just as challenging to get off of psychiatric medication as it is to start. It can take months. An allowance of three days is ridiculous if a patient needs to switch meds or titrate. The system is broken. And failed. And practically dead.
Because of time constraints, we rarely got to know a patient so deeply and after a month, this beautiful, brilliant and very human kid who was experiencing some really significant psychosis had created meaningful connections with all of us. He was tall and thin with a head of dark curls and incredibly piercing eyes. He was 14. And very, very scared. We were all rooting for him. I’m still rooting for him, wherever he is. Let’s call him Thomas.
After reading group one night while Alan and I were rating burritos on Haight Street we were gifted with a visit from Thomas. He chimed in with some real critical thinking about bean to rice ratio and chunky versus smooth guacamole. All good points and details Alan and I had overlooked in our rating system. We both quieted, allowing time and space for Thomas to talk, or ask, or cry, or scream. He got really quiet. After a few moments he looked to Alan and asked, “Does it ever get any easier?”
If you have been asked this question as a therapist, a parent, a partner, a friend, you know how it softens your whole body. This question somehow bypasses the mind and goes straight to the heart. It sits deep inside the body. It is a vulnerable question. There is little the mind can provide in response to this question. Data becomes irrelevant. What the person asking the question really wants to know is, is this survivable? This problem, this fear, this grief, this space in time, this mind of mine. Is this survivable? Tell me how it is. How do I do this?
Alan paused then looked at Thomas and said, ”life never gets easier, but it does get better. And you are no exception.”
I should say that this question was asked long before the It Gets Better Project and book by Dan Savage and Terry Miller. The idea of better wasn’t floating around in the ether and Alan’s words were the first time I had ever heard this idea. I watched Thomas take it in. The words travel through his mind and body. He looked at me for agreement and I nodded. There was a clarity in that moment. It sliced right through the constant chaos and grief of the room. It was freedom. A changed expectation that none of this was supposed to be easy and it never would be. We just get better at dealing with it. Thomas got it. And I could see the relief take over his body.
Better is important. Really important. Especially since easy will never come. Ease, yes. Delight, joy, love, celebration. Yes, all those things. But if the motivation to do anything is the expectation of absolute easy, then no. It’s not coming. But better is worth it. Ask anyone who has been in therapy. Has it made life easy? No. Not especially, but better, yeah. And this better is big. This better is worth it and makes all the difference.
So if you are out there listening wondering about doing the introspective work. Wanting to know why you should get to know yourself. Wondering if it is worth it when the work is hard. The answer is yes. But know this, you will still fall. We all fall and fail and stumble. But it’s the getting back up where the better comes in. We get better at repair. Reconciliation. Forgiveness. Compassion. Anger. Grief. We get better at finding where there is ease and letting go and being there when we can be. We know moments of freedom which feel like breath and dance and love. And we get better at discovering those moments. Working toward those moments. Resting in those moments. And it’s worth it.
Better is well, better. And you deserve it.
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode here. ]]>This week I host for a THESE THREE THINGS segment discussion, award-winning speaker, TEDx presenter, and author of The Healing Power of Humor, You Can’t Ruin My Day, Embracing Life After Loss, and his latest book The AWE Factor, Mr. Joytologist himself, ALLEN KLEIN.
Allen shares his most valuable life lessons about letting go, living now, and lightening up.
Listen HERE, it's a good one!
EPISODE LINKS:
ALLEN KLEIN
TEDX TALK
LINKEDIN
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
FACEBOOK
My favorite part of ALLEN’S work is his storytelling. I took great delight in the serendipity and chance meetings ALLEN writes about in The Awe Factor. I love the attention paid to these moments that remind us we are part of a quilt that stitches us together and that when we are present and open, we are gifted the joy of this interconnectedness. There is a vastness to these moments that provide a glimpse at just how magical life can be when we are paying attention.
And that’s exactly what AWE does.
Awe is defined in a variety of ways in Allen’s book, and scientists have agreed that awe generally includes feelings of vastness, amazement, and sometimes mystery. Anthropologist Alan Morinis says that, “Awe arises when we encounter life and the world in ways that breach the ordinary.” I LOVE that.
Thanks to University of Amsterdam’s Michiel van Elk and team, their study of awe using MRI imaging was able to isolate an awe response to a limited amount of activity in the Default Mode Network. The DMN is the part of our brain that is active when our minds wander and we often begin to think about ourselves or ruminate. Dr. Van Elks’s findings recorded less activity in the DMR when participants were shown awe inspiring nature videos versus videos of neutral landscapes or playful animals. These findings suggest that the brain is more engaged in the present when experiencing awe. This Dampening of DMN activity may be the key to providing the sense of self-transcendence associated with AWE.
Studies other than Dr. Van Elk’s have found decreased DMN activity when participants entered a flow state, during meditation, and when participants under the influence of psychedelics experienced “ego dissolution.” Suggesting AWE to be another example of such a transformative experience.
If you are getting the feeling that AWE is something that you want to experience, yeah, I’m right there with you. The good news is that AWE is accessible and attainable and Allen is here to show us how.
Listen to this episode of JOY IS NOW here.
]]>PSYCHOLOGY AND DIAGNOSIS
Let’s talk diagnosis. But first, let me backup a bit.
I receive the most wonderful questions from JOY listeners and readers of my newsletter. Y’all are really paying attention and few things make me happier than answering your questions about psychology. What I didn’t know was going to happen when I started JOY, was that I would get asked quite frequently for my take on things that are floating around the psychological ether. Kind of like a myth buster.
Here’s what that looks like. A DM of a post on social media that just doesn’t sit right with you. What do you think about this Lisa? Is there any truth to this? Thoughts? And I LOVE this! If I have created space where we can think critically and ask questions, especially about psychological information that is being presented on social media, no joke I can die happy. Keep up the good work psych enthusiasts. And keep sending me your questions.
I was asked by a JOY listener quite recently about codependency, and yes I will unleash a whole episode just on that, but for now I want to focus on my response. Which actually surprised me. Instead of immediately launching into what codependency is and is not, I thought about whether I had actually said the words codependency to any of my patients before. And What I found was that in all my time seeing patients at schools, hospitals, colleges and in private practice, I don’t think I ever used those words. And I certainly never diagnosed anyone with codependency, because it’s actually not a diagnosis. Dependent Personality Disorder code : 301.6 (F60.7) comes close, but it is presents differently. And this presentation as an Axis II disorder is really, really important in terms of treatment and understanding. Even still, I did not hear this diagnosis often. Nor did I ever hear codependency presented at a professional conference, or during a case study, or clinician consultation group. Interesting, right?
To offer a little perspective, the modality of psychotherapy I closely adhere to, psychoanalysis, does not really consider codependency. Is it A thing? Sure, but it is not THE thing. And there are other words and phenomena used in psychoanalysis to discuss attachment and relationships.
So it could very well be that I wasn't using it or hearing it because of my focus. I’m using codependency here as an example to illustrate how different modalities of psychotherapy contextualize behavior in different ways. And these differences can include labels and diagnoses. Psychoanalysis is more interested in what is going on beneath. So if a diagnosis is the brand name or the label, psychoanalysis and psychodynamic psychotherapy focus on the ingredients, not the brand name. This focus differs from one modality to the other.
That being said and here’s the real important part, in all my years of clinical work I haven’t known too many seasoned clinicians to lead with diagnosis or labels. Believe it or not, I’ve heard diagnosis thrown around a lot more on social media and in the general public than I ever have with licensed clinicians. To help illustrate, here’s a little perspective regarding diagnosis and qualifications. Regardless of the chosen modality, licensed clinicians in the state of California must complete a minimum of 3,000 face to face patient hours. That’s on top of a minimum two year specified graduate degree. These hours must be met with adults, children, couples and groups and all earned under the close supervision of a licensed clinical supervisor. That might not sound like a lot at first glance, but here’s how it breaks down. The fastest one could complete these hours would be at the pace of about 5 patients or clinical hours, 5 days a week. That’s 25 hours a week. Four weeks a month. Every single week for a year. No breaks for holidays or vacation and the assumption that no one was ever sick or had to cancel, would equal 1,200 hours in a single year. Give yourself another full year of that with no breaks, holidays or canceled sessions, then add another 6 months of that. So 2.5 years non stop is the quickest you could move through that requirement. In fact, the state gives people seeking licensure up to 6 years to finish those hours. I think it used to be 8. So that allows for a lot of opportunities to witness human behavior along with consider many other terms and formal diagnoses.
What I find so interesting is that blame is often put on the profession for the use of diagnosis and diagnostic criteria. And yes, the DSM along with many white men of the past have named mental health struggles as a disorder in the DSM and they have been wrong. But when it comes to the current usage of diagnosis this is one of the few times I feel like the profession of psychology isn’t singularly to blame for this truly skewed perspective of diagnosis. Let’s dig in.
First, let’s take a look at the DSM. The DSM is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It is a publication by the American Psychiatric Association for the classification of mental disorders using a common language and standard criteria for clinicians. The purpose of the DSM is so that teams of clinicians from different disciplines working with patients can easily and quickly communicate a diagnosis. Imagine a social worker, a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, psychiatric nurse and physician attending to a single patient on a hospital unit. It’s super helpful to have a diagnosis to go on when making decisions about medication and care. A diagnosis in the clinical community is a foundation, but never a single defining presentation of someone’s mental health struggles. I have never met anyone in the professional realm who believes that a patient is nothing more than their diagnosis.
Additionally, the DSM is used to treat patients who have access to medical insurance. Patients are given a code and a diagnosis by a licensed clinician in order to have access to psychotherapy, psychiatric medication, and inpatient and outpatient treatment. And that is a whole different conversation about how we do not have equitable access to healthcare. I’ll return to that dumpster fire another time.
For now, just know that the DSM is for professionals. There is a reason that this book is not given as a wedding gift, although maybe it should. Ha! It is kind of rendered useless without all those face to face clinical hours and a lot of experience understanding the full spectrum of how mental health concerns present. To pick up the DSM without this experience gives a terribly incomplete picture. Again, most clinicians are more interested in the ingredients rather than the brand name or label.
When I come across clinicians who take the stance that they do not believe in diagnosis, I have to believe it is because they do not have experience with acute populations in hospital settings. There is a very good reason for the DSM in these treatment team settings. There is no faster way to get everyone on the same page in a crisis than a quick standardized code that allows clinicians to communicate across disciplines and make life saving decisions. And like I said, I never came into contact with a clinician in any of these settings who thought that a patient was no more than their diagnosis. There can be a hospital floor full of patients, some with replicating diagnoses and each and every one of them presents differently. And each of these humans is also warm and wonderful and loving. What I’m saying is, a diagnosis does not make you not a human being. ALL CAPS. In fact every single diagnosis included in the DSM is there because it appears regularly enough among the greater population to be considered a recognizable behavior. This is what makes it diagnosable. Let me repeat that: every single diagnosis included in the DSM is there because it appears regularly enough among the greater population to be considered a recognizable behavior. Nothing in the DSM exists because it has never been seen. So in other words to have a diagnosis is to simply present behavior that humans are known to present. The end. One more time: to have a diagnosis is to simply present behavior that humans are known to present.
SIDE NOTE: Here’s a new little thing in the podcast. When I mention SIDE NOTE, I’ll remind you, it means that I’m addressing another perspective of what I’m discussing over on Instagram. I’ll be sharing these SIDE NOTE videos @lisaandersonshaffer on Instagram, if you are so inclined to join. Please do, we have a fun group of Psych Enthusiasts over on IG.
What I want to address today more than anything is the act of self diagnosis. And this is a real problem. And it is happening all over social media. And the act of self diagnosis is being led by people with no business doing so. Ouch.
You may be surprised to find out that given all those clinical hours and education, psychotherapists are not in the habit of self-diagnosis. Nor are we in the habit of diagnosing our partners, kids, family members or friends. One reason being, it’s hard work and we are not alive to work 24 hours a day evaluating everyone we come in contact with. Ew. The other more serious, being that even professional clinicians lack the perspective necessary to self-diagnose. Or diagnose someone who is close to them. It is unethical for a therapist or a psychiatrist to treat a family member or close friend for precisely this reason. Not to mention that it is considered a professional standard for psychotherapists with an active case load to be in their own psychotherapy. In fact, you should ask your therapist if they are in therapy. They should say YES. And most of the time psychotherapists are not only in their own therapy, but also part of consultation groups and case conferences with other licensed professionals. The work of maintaining uncompromised perspective is no joke and something that clinicians take very, very seriously. It’s a critically important part of the work. And it is WORK. All caps.
So if licensed professionals are not self diagnosing or encouraging people to self-diagnose everything from ADHD and depression to codependency to HSP, why would anyone be encouraging this? Honestly, I’m asking you because I cannot figure it out.
This self diagnosis leads to way many more “diagnoses” and labels than actual diagnoses from professionals. Why is this bad? Because it perpetuates the idea that we are our diagnosis. And a diagnosis no less that is probably totally inaccurate. So while I truly appreciate social media expanding the conversation about mental health, I urge you to only consider a diagnosis or formally accept a set of symptoms coming from someone with letters after their name. And only if you are actively their patient. Licensed professionals do not offer diagnoses to anyone who is not actively their patient. It is unethical for the reason that we simply do not know the whole story. And the whole story is important. So important that learning about how to understand the whole story requires an advanced degree, two licensure tests and a minimum of 3,000 hours.
At the same time, yes to having access to information about mental health. Read the blog posts, watch the influencer reels. Save the lists on how to navigate stress, anxiety, depression, and ADHD. Lean about things. And if something sounds familiar, seek the opinion of an actual professional. Diagnoses and professional confirmation of symptoms when they are accurate can be incredibly freeing! I felt truly understood when I discussed being HSP with my therapist. It was like someone gave me a roadmap for how I had been feeling my whole life. It made a huge difference for me. An inaccurate diagnosis or alignment with a set of symptoms that are inaccurate can be limiting. And not only limiting but alignment with a set of symptoms that are not confirmed by a licensed professional can actually cover up something deeper. Meaning you could spend a lot of time spinning your wheels in conflict and pain because what really needs to be addressed is not being illuminated. Again, the ingredients matter, not the label.
So when it comes to self diagnosis remember that the pros don’t do it so maybe you shouldn’t either. Seek a professional opinion because anything else is just a rumor. And you deserve much better than that.
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode here.
]]>This week I host for a THESE THREE THINGS segment discussion, entrepreneur and founder of TerraArk Global, host of the Entrepods podcast, author and member of the government for the world's first fully digital democratic nation, JENNIFER GLIGORIC.
We talk pain, gratitude, and knowing what your enough is.
1) Pain is just Pain.
2) Living in Gratitude is the best way to feel abundant.
3) Know what your 'enough' is.
Listen HERE, it's a good one!
EPISODE LINKS:
JENNIFER GLIGORIC
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
FACEBOOK
Okay away we go!
When discussing worry, it is important to distinguish worry from other common stress states like anxiety. Simply put, worry is cognitive, fact based, and temporary. Worry rests in cognition and is usually constrained to our thoughts alone. It is rooted in something that is reality based. Like worrying we will be late for work, or forget our presentation during an important work meeting. Worry is also fleeting and will go away once the event is over, and/or we take steps to ensure fewer possible missteps or unexpected occurrences. Leaving extra time to get to the airport before travel, double checking your laptop and saving your presentation for the next day before heading to bed. Making decisions to keep your morning more predictable on a big day. Often making plans and taking actionable steps will soothe our worries. Sometimes worry can often turn to rumination, where we might run through similar thoughts over and over again, but most significantly worry is free from physical symptoms. On the other hand Anxiety, along with experiencing racing thoughts and strong emotions, will also include psychical symptoms like a racing heart, upset stomach, and a tight chest. Sometimes these symptoms will increase in severity until they interrupt our daily function. When this is the case, we need to seek out help to manage both the cognitive and physical symptoms. That’s of course where therapy and medication can help. But when it comes to worry, worry actually serves us more than it hurts us. Worry is likely to cause us to take action, be proactive, and prepared. All good qualities. But when it comes to complex problem solving, worry doesn;t do us any justice.
Towson University psychologist and worry specialist Dr. Sandra Llera comments,
“Regarding the problem-solving myth, in a new study we tested whether people were better at solving a real-life problem if they worried about it, or thought about it in a more objective, less catastrophic manner. We found that people who had worried about their problem generated slightly less effective solutions than did those who had engaged in objective-thinking. Also, those who worried beforehand still felt worried and anxious after solving the problem. (So rather than feel a sense of relief, they were still worked up over the issue.) On top of that, the more people had worried about their problem beforehand, the less they intended to actually carry out their solution.”
In order to harness the goodness of worry, it is important to first and foremost, give yourself permission to be worried, but do not let it take over. Allow yourself a set amount of time to be in a worried state. Acknowledge your worries, shake hands with them, think about them for maybe 15 or 20 minutes and then move on. Start to take action. Have a plan and be prepared. Make a list of action steps and get started on them. Tackle them one by one. And finally write that shit down. Really. Writing down worries helps to stop them spread and works on freeing up all that valuable headspace for stuff that is way more fun and rewarding. The most important thing about worry is to not convince yourself you are not going to have it. Worry is part of the human condition. And we are after all human.
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode here
]]>PSYCHOLOGY AND SAFETY
Welcome to Season 3! I’m so happy you are here. I’ve got a few fun announcements before we dive into this theory episode, so here it goes. The first is THANK YOU! When I started JOY I had no idea where this grand experiment was headed. For real. I just knew I had to start and without this group of curious Psych Enthusiasts, JOY would have failed before it even had a chance. Thanks to those of you out there listening, leaving reviews and sharing the podcast with friends JOY is growing! It is truly exciting to know that my mission of making psychology friendly resonates and I love that you are all here exploring what it means to be human with me.
Second, I’ve got some great news to share! I have current openings for Business Coaching and Consultation. What’s it like to work with me? Well for one, it’s different, fun, for real, and also kind of mind blowing! I bring my years of experience as an artist and creative entrepreneur, mixed with my expertise as a psychotherapist and systems thinker to offer an unseen and unexpected perspective on your work and life. Working with me is illuminating, and will change the way you approach challenges AND maybe everything. Thinking together we get weird, smart and super effective. Want to learn more, send me an email to set up an intro call. lisaandersonshaffer@gmail.com
And lastly, Today’s THEORY episode is from my weekly newsletter. I share a lot of writing there each week and sometimes my musings turn into a JOY episode. This particular piece of writing resonated with those of you on the newsletter list so it has officially graduated to the podcast. If you would like to receive my newsletter you can sign up in the link in the notes for this episode. It’s free, fun and also super nerdy. I’d love to have you!
Back to the show!
WHY BASICS are ROYAL
PSYCHOLOGY AND SAFETY
I imagine I am not alone in my feeling of dread right now. And while heavy and something I would very much like to excuse myself from feeling, dread makes sense right? If not dread now, then when? Are we waiting for a zombie attack or alien invasion in order to be present in our sense of dread? For me at least, I'll say that there is currently enough uncertainty going around for me to sit in some dread. So here I am. And maybe you are too.
What I would love to do is exclaim a clear, “no thanks.” Or, “I'll pass.” As if we could unwelcome the current events we do not like to think about and avoid the feelings they inevitably bring to surface. But we don't just get to say, “I'm done.” With connection to others comes all the things. Good and bad. Human begins are capable of great things. And we do not get to choose which definition of great is met for each and every one of us. We get the love. We get the hate. We get the ideals we align with and we also get the ones we think are utter shit. And because of our innate need to connect as social animals, we are impacted by this full spectrum of greatness.
I've been asked a lot lately how to navigate daily existence when it feels like every single day more fuel is thrown on the current worldwide dumpster fire. And you might be surprised to learn, I ask myself this question each morning. More? Really? WTF? I'm barely getting through here. And then two things happen.
The first is, I remember exactly who I am. And yeah this is a tall order. When people ask me the single most important thing we can do for our overall health, my answer every single time is know thyself. And this takes a lot of work, but it's worth it. Because knowing thyself not only positively impacts you, but it also ripples out to everyone in your life and even further. We are all connected, remember?
So how do you know thyself? My first answer would be psychotherapy. It helps. It's proven. And I think it is really the best way to understand our desires, motivations and behavior. But it doesn't always have to be that. The key ingredient of any introspective work is to engage in processes that ask us to participate in the act of wide focus and simply noticing. And this noticing and curiosity can happen in any number of ways.
When life feels chaotic and I remember exactly who I am a few things happen. I remember that I am open. As an artist and a creatively minded person, my mind and perspective is open. I look. Observe. See a lot. Take it in. And Interpret. And this feels all sides of great. Who I am makes me capable of some pretty cool shit. But it also makes me incredibly vulnerable. And that's okay. Because my sensitivity benefits me way more than it does harm. And it took a long time to learn this. So, yes, I am going to feel a lot. And feel it deeply. Whether it is in the direction of the kind of great I would prefer or not. And this insight might seem small, but it is actually a lot of information and I use it to support myself and my family when fuel is poured on the collective fire.
Here's how.
Most importantly, knowing myself requires that I honor basic safety. And in doing so I create some real strong boundaries. About some super basic stuff. I take that love of wide focus and I look at my life from real far away. I go macro. Big time. And when I think I cannot get any more distance, I try to go even farther. And this ultra wide focus helps me concentrate on the often forgotten importance of basic safety. During times of stress I start here. (Maybe these boundaries will help you too).
Water. I make sure no matter what that I am drinking enough water. I need more than the average person, so I make sure to drink the amount that works for me. Every day. I also know from JOY guest Dr. Wallace Nichols that being in the water, near the water, listening to water sounds has a direct impact on anxiety. It has been proven that humans and animals feel a deep level of safety when they are near water. Also proven is that communities and geographic regions where water is scarce are more prone to times of social unrest. The threat of scarce water has a very deep and unconscious impact on our capacity for stress. Knowing this, I wash my hands a lot in lovely warm water. I use a soap that smells good. I shower. Soak my feet. Walk to the creek. Stand at the ocean. Listen to rain sounds on the Calm app. Basic stuff. And none of it takes over my day.
Food. I eat three good sized healthy meals and snacks a day. And believe it or not, this is hard for me. I've learned that when I feel overwhelmed I can only have nutrient dense and healthy food choices in the house. Otherwise I'll eat potato chips all day and then be further overwhelmed with a tummy ache. I prioritize eating meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And check in with myself via a timer about snacks. I make sure those around me are doing the same.
Sleep. This one is hard, right? But make no mistake sleep is super important. And let's be real, sleep does not come easy certain times in our life. Especially women. I do best on 7-8 hours of sleep a night, but expecting that as a nightly reality is hilarious. I do the best I can. And when I cannot sleep due to hormones, anxiety, the kid, the dude, the dogs, windstorms, loud coyotes, barn owls, general wilderness, panic inducing dread, etc. I allow myself some grace. The body is incredible at rejuvenation. When I cannot sleep, I find short amounts of time during the day to simply lay down and close my eyes. Napping is seldom a reality, but I can always find 10 minute chunks of time to get on my back, and close my eyes. (Closing your eyes is key. Limit as much stimulation as possible). And I have found this makes a huge difference in keeping my cortisol in check and just making me feel better.
Movement. We know exercise helps with all the things. And I know for me during times of stress I need to create some real boundaries around exercise. Too much and the overall stress on my body pretty much negates the good that is intended. So as much as I would like to punch it out, run until I cannot breathe, I think small. I walk. stretch. Skateboard. I don't go big. Even though I want to. Stay gentle.
Exposure. Here's where the boundaries really come in. I learned during my experience with PTSD about a decade ago, that as a creative mind who is very much stimulated by visual information, I need to be very intentional with what I take in visually.
As soon as another dose of fuel is put on our collective fire, I immediately filter my visual stimulus. For me that looks like unfollowing news outlets on social media. Oftentimes even the newspaper is too much. So I go old school and get my news from reliable sources on the radio, or news podcasts.
I do the same with visual entertainment. Euphoria? Uh no thanks. Not now anyway. No news channels. No violent movies or streaming shows. I stick with comedies and relational dramas like Ted Lasso, Billions, and Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Joy. Maybe this is joy for you, or delight, or awe. I schedule things I love into my day. For me that can be many things. Music. Art. Fashion. Food. Friends. Grant yourself something that brings you joy. And do it. Even for just 5 minutes. Most songs are under 3 minutes. You can do that.
Here's where we get tripped up. Always. Don't fool yourself into thinking all of these boundaries have to be all or nothing. It takes a wide focus to understand the importance of the basics, but get really small when it comes to making them happen. Even 5 minutes can be a lot. A short walk can do the trick. A little more water, an extra snack. A 5 minute conversation with a friend who makes you laugh. YES. Do not negate a wellness boundary just because it does not meet ALL of the wished requirements. When it comes to anxiety and stress management closeness counts.
And is it a privilege to be able to take care of my basic needs and safety? Hells yeah it is. And that's precisely why I do it to the best of my ability. Managing my stress and meeting my most unconscious needs through a feeling of safety has a tremendous collective effect. I am more clearheaded with my family. Friends. Clients. My perspective is wider. I have more capacity for abstract thought. To be flexible. To embrace change. And to change my mind. When the world is chaotic, focusing on our own locus of control is the best place to start. Your wellness contributes to the overall collective wellness. It really does 100% start with you. We are a collective. For better or worse. Contribute how you can.
I should say that meeting a deeply rooted unconscious need for basic safety is not an opinion. The above rests on science. And are ways that I have leveraged this science to work for me and what satisfies my own constant internal measurement of safety. Assessing safety is an unconscious primitive drive. A survival instinct. It looks different in modern times, but as animals we will always assess for safety. It is an important part of who we are. So when you are faced with circumstances beyond your control (basically most circumstances, wink wink) try to take a wide focus. And when you think you are there, step back even further. Try shifting what feels like anxiety to a need for basic safety. Remember that safety is the foundation of it all and look for ways you can reinforce your basic safety. Water, food, sleep, limit exposure, and joy.
Thank you for being here.
Listen to this episode of JOY IS NOW here.
]]>Every once in a while when I am preparing the science for these emotion episodes, my daughter will look over my shoulder and sweetly say, “whatcha doin mom?” When I told her Carissa and I would be discussing schadenfreude - or finding joy in the misfortune of others, she quickly found reference in The Simpsons. “You mean how Lisa and Bart always laugh when Homer gets hurt? Is that schadenfreude?” Exactly. In the last three decades of The Simpsons many of us have shared a laugh at Homer’s expense. Whether it is watching him willingly get food poisoning from eating a week old hero sandwich he left behind the radiator, to being punished with a teamwork retreat for pushing a bench in front of a fire exit during a fire drill. And perhaps we take joy in Homer’s misfortune because we know his choices can be careless, and maybe sometimes we envy that carelessness. We want to be careless too. Or maybe it is because we have watched Homer choke his son Bart in frustration for those same three decades and we don’t feel so bad when he gets hurt. All could be true.
When it comes to complex emotions, instances where more than one feeling is present - which research shows is most of the time, the English language comes up short. Like pretty much all the time. The idea of experiencing joy from another’s misfortune is widely accepted in other cultures as a thing that humans simply do. The Japanese, French, Danish and Dutch all have words and phrases to describe schadunfrede as well as Hebrew, Mandarin, Russian, and even the Greeks and Romans spoke of this phenomenon. It is of no surprise, as we have discussed in other JOY episodes, that a puritan and colonial language like English leaves little room for emotional complexity. If we must name it to claim it and acknowledge it to heal, how do we begin to even discuss something that doesn't have a name or a word? Of course not having a name does not cause extinction. So, we borrowed from the Germans.
Much of the research on Schadenfreude places the experience on a less desirable end of the spectrum, involving envy, hostility, shame, guilt, and rudeness. I even found evidence of theory that schadenfreude is closely linked to sociopathy and narcissism, hinting that schadenfreude is the opposite of empathy. And yeah, sure, but I can also say from personal clinical experience, that a sociopathic or narcissistic joy from misfortune has a much different and more menacing flavor than laughing at Homer Simpson, or being delighted when the mvp of a rival sports team is caught taking steroids. Schadenfreude, does not make one void of empathy. It, like everything else, exists on a spectrum.
What we know about schadenfreude in the neurological sense is that it activates the ventral striatum, which is associated with the limbic system and reward processing and motivation. Interesting, right? Additionally, schadenfreude has been linked to the nasal administration of oxytocin, which is normally associated with prosocial behaviors, suggesting the significance of schadenfreude as a social emotion. Research shows that schadenfreude plays an important part in divisive politics, and of course sports rivalries.
The feelings underlying schadenfreude according to cultural historian and scholar of schadenfreude Tiffany Watt Smith, include envy, anger, inferiority and feelings related to self-worth. Interestingly enough, envy alone does not predict schadenfreude, as we see with many other emotions a feeling is more complex than just one thing. Schadenfreude in most cases is in duet with hostility and this combination becomes more targeted of people with the same gender. Studies show that men experience schadenfreude when the target is male and empathy when the target is female.
Where researchers become concerned is the use of schadenfreude as a coping mechanism. And this reverts back to the study I mentioned where schadenfreude activates the brain’s reward system. We actually receive a hit of dopamine from schadenfreudne and if you remember JOY episode 61 with Bridget Watson Payne about Pleasure and the old skinner box experiment, animals will pretty much do anything for a hit of dopamine. In Olds and Milner’s 1950’s version of the experiment, mice pressed that dopamine lever over 7,000 times an hour and favored dopamine over water and food. If you remember, the study was aborted because the mice quite simply would starve themselves to death.
So, yeah, science might have cause for concern here, specifically when it comes to social media. Neurologist and associate professor of psychology at Pepperdine University, Dr. Judy Ho says that higher use of social media is associated with a higher use of schadenfreude as a coping strategy. She says, “the culture of one upping that’s been cultivated on social media platforms as well as increased tribalism and polarization contribute to individuals' reliance on schadenfreude to boost confidence and self - worth.”
Ooof. So where does this leave us? Well, of course I have many thoughts. But in the end, it always comes back to know thyself. Do the work, process your own shit and commit to reconciliation with your self-worth. Nothing is all bad and schadenfreude doesn’t make you an unempathetic jerk. The misfortune of Homer Simpson will continue to be funny. Envy and comparison are not the enemy, it's what we do with them internally that can poison us like a week old hero sandwich kept behind a radiator.
Thank you for being here.
Listen ot this episode of JOY IS NOW here.
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Onward to Season 3.
There’s a term in skateboarding called the ENDER. It refers to the last trick or run you do at the skatepark before you leave. I’m gonna take an ender. That’s my ender. Ender then let’s go. In the past 2 years of visiting skateparks nearly every single day, I’ve witnessed a lot of different enders. And I’ve had my own enders however lackluster they continue to be. What I’ve noticed is that everyone approaches the ender differently. There’s the declaration of an ender when someone finally lands the trick they’ve been working on all afternoon and that decides the departure. There’s the ender run through the park to get to the car. There’s the spectacular ender that requires digging deep for the energy to have a tremendous run before leaving. This is my favorite to watch and it reminds me of deciding which roller coaster to ride before it is time to leave a theme park. What ride do you want to taste as a lingering flavor on the way home? That one. And then there’s the repeat ender. Ideally each ender’s purpose is to leave the park on a high note. So if the first ender is a bust, you call another one until you leave feeling good.
What I love about this term ENDER and find to be common in skateboarding vernacular is it’s straightforwardness. Skateboarding with all of its 360s 180s and nose grabs and kickflips and mc Twists, doesn't mince words when it comes to the important stuff. A bail is a bail. A slam hurts, and hipper or a shinner is a big ass bruise. And failure is failure and an important part of the sport. It’s common knowledge that in skateboarding you fail to get better. When you fall or fuck up, or take a major slam there is always a helping hand nearby, a holding of your pain and a soft, gentle congratulations that you are closer to succeeding now then you were before you fell.
But ENDER. This word is big. Ender quite simply means ending and the understanding of this word holds mutual truths. A celebration and a loss. The choice to make an ending good, but also to sit with the loss of saying goodbye. Packing it in for the day. Being with the sentiment of until next time. Energy and exhaustion. Success and failure. Up close and side by side. There is no sugarcoating an ENDER or pretending it is without grief. It is all at once all the things. And essentially this is what endings really are. All the things. All the time.
We are always in an ENDER. Whether it feels more like a beginning or an ending. A loss or a celebration. Ender is less an act and more of a state. And this fascinates me. I wonder if my perspective will shift if I consider myself to be in a state of Ender. Does that allow me more softness? Forgiveness? Can I be more compassionate if I am in a state of Ender? What changes? Well, for one, the pull toward do -overs becomes more real. Allowing myself a do- over if things do not go down the way I hoped. And being cool with that do over being public and communicated. Ooops, wait, that’s not what I envisioned. Let me try that again. There seems to be more potential in this state. A wider birth of freedom. A little self compassion, and the desire to lead with curiosity and fun.
So let’s make this episode truly an Ender for Season 2. A recognition of all the fun conversations, all the incredible guests and all the courage shown diving into the deep end and embracing curiosity. A big thank you to all of you, my listeners. For showing up, being curious, and just being awesome. A pause of sadness that it is over for now and a declaration of gratitude for getting to have this much fun together. I’m going out with a smile on my face and very much looking forward to Season 3. JOY will be taking a short break and returning March 20 with the brilliant Carissa Potter Carlson of People I’ve Loved. In the meantime, please take a dive into the JOY archives, share the show with a friend, and get in touch! Let me know what topic in the psych realm you are curious about.
Feeling where we have been. Looking forward to what’s next. Grateful for you being here.
That’s my ENDER.
I’ll be back March 20th with the first episode of JOY Season 3. My guest is the one and only Carissa Potter Carlson of People I’ve Loved. And she is so much fun to talk to. You won’t want to miss it!
Listen to this episode here.
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